Dark and sad thoughts here. If that makes you uncomfortable, please back out....I just need to talk this through...
The past week has been tough. Not sure why. I've tried to keep my usual sunshine and daisy attitude, but the lows are VERY low right now. I go putting along, minding my own business, but at the edge of my vision I see little wisps of black. Then the odd thoughts start. Not thoughts of death, please don't think that, but thoughts of the LACK of happiness in my life. Can you remember the last time that you were ecstatic? So incredibly happy that you thought that you could never be happier? I've tried to think of mine...maybe three years ago at my son's graduation from college? And even that was tempered with the thought that we could only stay one day as we had to get home to care for my dad. Is my mood due to my circumstances, or have I lost the ability to be happy? Have I been so sad with my dad, that I will never again find "my" happy? How long can you be beat down before you crumple?
I will be 55 next month. I will be able to retire and be financially stable. It is possible that I will work for one more year to help out my boss, but his wife was put on Hospice today, so his retirement schedule may change. It is a goal of so many to be able to retire and do whatever they want. But the other side...I will be leaving a job that I have worked at for almost 32 years...over half my life. It will be hard to leave people that sometimes I spend more time with than my own family. And the next thought...will I be able to really do what I want, or will I continue to care for my dad? I am trying to keep upbeat, but what if I am left with no outside contact, being a caretaker for the next 5 or 10 years? My heart says I can do it, but my mind and soul are tired.
I've been a true believer that happiness is due to circumstance, joy in spite of circumstance. Right now, that thought is hard to hold onto. I keep telling myself that there will be an end, just hang in there. I don't want to sound harsh, but there comes a point when there is no point.
So there is no answer...I will continue to exercise, try to eat well, and stay emotionally stable. Thank you for being here to "listen". Be kind to one another.