Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Mentally Dark Post With No Pictures

Dark and sad thoughts here.  If that makes you uncomfortable, please back out....I just need to talk this through...

The past week has been tough.  Not sure why.  I've tried to keep my usual sunshine and daisy attitude, but the lows are VERY low right now.  I go putting along, minding my own business, but at the edge of my vision I see little wisps of black.  Then the odd thoughts start.  Not thoughts of death, please don't think that, but thoughts of the LACK of happiness in my life.  Can you remember the last time that you were ecstatic?  So incredibly happy that you thought that you could never be happier?  I've tried to think of mine...maybe three years ago at my son's graduation from college?  And even that was tempered with the thought that we could only stay one day as we had to get home to care for my dad. Is my mood due to my circumstances, or have I lost the ability to be happy?  Have I been so sad with my dad, that I will never again find "my" happy?  How long can you be beat down before you crumple?

I will be 55 next month.  I will be able to retire and be financially stable. It is possible that I will work for one more year to help out my boss, but his wife was put on Hospice today, so his retirement schedule may change.  It is a goal of so many to be able to retire and do whatever they want.  But the other side...I will be leaving a job that I have worked at for almost 32 years...over half my life.  It will be hard to leave people that sometimes I spend more time with than my own family. And the next thought...will I be able to really do what I want, or will I continue to care for my dad?  I am trying to keep upbeat, but what if I am left with no outside contact, being a caretaker for the next 5 or 10 years?   My heart says I can do it, but my mind and soul are tired.

I've been a true believer that happiness is due to circumstance, joy in spite of circumstance.  Right now, that thought is hard to hold onto.  I keep telling myself that there will be an end, just hang in there.  I don't want to sound harsh, but there comes a point when there is no point.

So there is no answer...I will continue to exercise, try to eat well, and stay emotionally stable.  Thank you for being here to "listen".  Be kind to one another.

7 comments:

  1. Oh dear Angela. I have told you before, I will say it again. I am so proud of you. You are loving your Dad. So many, so very many do not make the sacrifice you make. I am giving you a link to encourage you. http://www.joniandfriends.org/radio/5-minute/defiant-joy/
    I am praying for you!

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  2. Thank you so much, Vickie. I don't understand why things are harder this week than last. It is has been horribly hot and humid and I'm not sleeping well. Is that part of it? I don't know...I exercised last night and did some stitching. It isn't helping that my boss now has his wife on Hospice. I know how bad I hurt and I feel worse for him, he has teenage children...I will check out the link. Thank you again for your prayers.

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  3. I've been thinking about your post all day. I want so badly to write words that would make you feel better. It's so tough when the mind is in that mood and none of the usual pick-me-ups work. You sound like you are at the end of your tether and understandably so with so much on your plate. You have the right to wallow a little. Your age makes you vulnerable too to downs. There is an answer, life goes on and mentally we change with it. As for 'happy' I don't try for that anymore Angela; instead I aim for content. I try hard to keep the bad thoughts at bay and work at achieving a feeling of contentment. But make no mistake, you do deserve better than this. Thinking of you...

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    1. Thank you, Jocelyn. I gave it quite a bit of thought before I posted. Each of us go through tough times and sometimes it helps if you get a different perspective. I started this blog for myself. It was to give me a place to "think out loud" about my life. I never knew if anyone read it, but that was okay. Most of the people I know are not really comfortable discussing depression and death. I work in a prison, a pretty "down" place on a good day. I think that you are right, happy may not be the goal anymore. I am so blessed in other ways...I am relatively healthy, I have a home, I have enough food to eat. I'm sure that this will pass. I need to stay on track. I will be okay...

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  4. Thinking about you, sweet Angela.

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    1. Thank you so much. I've given the idea of happy versus content quite a bit of thought...it will be okay. The weekend has arrived, a little extra rest, a little extra stitching, and I should be able to move forward. My dad's Hospice social worker always tells me...if you can't see yourself getting through the next week, set your sights on the next hour. I am regrouping.

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  5. Some days are not any fun. I have found that out! Thank goodness they all aren't that way, even though it might seem so! I copied a quote the other day and I really like it, even though I don't remember where it came from!!!!
    "Do not ever give up hope. You've got everything it takes but it will take everything you've got."

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