It has been a really long week and it's only Thursday. The weekend was tough and it never got better.
Monday. Monday was Monday. Need I say more?
Tuesday. Got home from work, took one look at our caretaker's face and knew that something was wrong. Dad had been agitated and very non-responsive most of the day. This may be TMI, but he had not urinated in four hours. Not good. Went in to try and get him to talk or at least nod. Nothing. A total blank. No eye contact, nothing. Our social worker arrived. We talk for a few minutes, she went in to see Dad. Came out, her face looked almost worse than the caretaker's. Now I'm really scared. She is the sweetest lady and has been a great help in keeping ME on track. Depression is a real thing for caretakers. We are always "on". Always waiting for the bad part. Life for us goes on hold while we wait for the end of life for our loved ones. We discussed what was going on. It is possible that Dad is at the end. They call it "terminal agitation". It's how the terminally ill show that they know it's the end. Restless, agitated, non-responsive. She will call the nurse and let her know. Am I ready? I should be after twenty months on Hospice. Am I ready? Absolutely not. Crying. Get Dad fed, he finally urinates. Maybe things aren't as bad as I thought.
Wednesday. Come home from work, our Hospice nurse visited today. New plan. It appears that Dad has somehow dislocated his thumb. He has had several strokes and his left side is stiff and atrophied. Now he has put so much pressure on his thumb while making a fist, maybe he has destroyed the cartilage. He thumb is now swollen and he is in pain. Could this be the cause of his agitation? We have a choice of painkillers. Morphine? Not the way I wanted my dad to live out his last days, but neither do I want his body filled with pain. Now we wait for the doctor to come on Friday. We have been very lucky that Dad has not had any pain up to now. More crying.
Thursday. Phone rings at 3 am, someone from work is calling in sick. I can already tell that it's going to be a really long day. Can't fall back to sleep, up at 3:30, start my day. Work is okay, just can't stay focused. Talk to my boss, will be off tomorrow so I will get my information straight from the doctor. More crying.
I am tired and worn out. All I want to do is brush my teeth, scrub my face, and fall into bed. The only bright spot is that I may get to sleep in tomorrow morning since I am staying home. Note that I say "may" get to sleep in...all depends. Meanwhile, I will consider this a bonus day and after the doctor visits, I will try to get ahead on errands and chores. Be kind to one another.