Monday, February 23, 2015

A Wicked Sense of Humor

Life has a wicked sense of humor. Here you are, zooming down the freeway of life, minding your own business. Just trying to be the best wife, mom, and daughter that you can. Suddenly, from one the on-ramps comes this eighteen wheeler, coming at you in your blind spot. You don't see it coming, but you can hear it. You assume that it will merge, without taking out your back bumper. Everything comes to a screeching halt. You find out that maybe you should have taken that last off-ramp into the rest stop.

If none of that makes sense, let me explain.

I was minding my own business. Just getting things done. Finally sent the goats home, YAY!! I will now have a little extra time. I choose to take a nap. YAY, again!! Very carefully set the alarm. One hour, that's it. Get up, kinda tired, not feeling myself. Get everyone fed, a few chores done and get into my jammies. Last trip to the bathroom. Why is there blood in my urine? That doesn't seem right. Get on the internet. Check out home remedies for UTIs. How much water would I need to drink to make this go away? Odd, all of the sites insist that once you get to blood, you need to see a doctor. So....out of my jammies and into the truck, head over to the emergency room. I don't think I should wait until morning. It is now 10 pm. I do all the appropriate tests, get sent home with antibiotics at 11:15 pm. Back into my jammies, head to bed. But...then up every hour. Can you say exhausted? Drug myself out of bed at 4 am to start the day. Get everyone settled, off to work. I was not in the best mood and was very happy to leave an hour early to pick up the rest of my prescriptions.

And why do I tell this story? Self-care is important. Should I have seen this coming? Maybe. I haven't been eating right, not getting enough exercise, and on and on and on. If I don't take care of myself, I don't see anyone else stepping up to the plate. Is this life's way of telling me to take an off-ramp? Head over to the rest stop before I burn out? Yes, I think it is.

I can hear life giggling in the background. Make time for you before life pops in and you don't have a choice.

So, I will finish this last quart of water and call it a night. Be kind to one another.

Saturday, February 21, 2015

Do I Have A Secret?

Good morning, peeps.

Here it is Saturday. I am up early. Surprise, surprise, though I did get an hour of sleep in between 5:00 and 6:00. If you are looking for stitching or quilting pictures, nope, none available. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. LOL I have it all worked out in my head. I will get everyone fed, get a bit of exercise, and then do some stitching before bed. I am so funny. As if! I think I managed to stay awake until 8 pm last night. Of course, I had to get back up at 9 to do some Dad and husband chores, but I will count that as an hour of sleep. Back up at 4 am. Yep, the party animal really comes out at that time.

So, do I have a secret? Kinda. I am on the weekly visit list from Gloria, our social worker. Last week, she seriously suggested that I see my doctor. Hmmm, nope, that didn't happen. LOL So at this week's visit, I put on my happy face. Talked about DH's surgery, the fact that I am getting a bit of exercise, and don't I look better? She agreed. We discussed that sometimes, you can't make plans for the day. Sometimes you have to take it hour by hour. I agreed. Nodded my head at the appropriate times. I did not make one mention of the fact that I am waking up once in a while at night with the feeling that I cannot breathe. Oh no, that's not coming out! I do not have time for a breakdown. She smiled, said yes, I am doing better, and she will be back next Friday. Damn. Guess she didn't fall for it.

Is this a good secret? Not really. Sooner or later I will have to deal with me. I just don't have time right now. Dad and husband, plus working full time, takes almost every waking moment. We are still "kid" sitting, but I have been pretty clear with husband that the goats need to go. They are cute, I like them, but I just don't have the time and energy to deal with one more thing. He won't be able to use his arm and shoulder for up to four weeks. I can't do this by myself for that long.

Off to start another day. I've already did Dad and husband chores, fed the goats, had some very healthy oatmeal, and finished my first cup of creamer with coffee. LOL I will get a walk today, yes I will. And if I work it right, get taxes ready and do some stitching! I am ever hopeful...

Be kind to one another.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

I. Was. Wrong.

I am making an admission. I was wrong. I thought that my life was pretty much a mess and couldn't get worse. Well. I. Was. Wrong.

Yesterday, my husband had his shoulder surgery. This is not the first time. He had the other side done about ten years ago. He bounced right back after that one. Was only out of work for thirteen days. This time, the surgery included nerve blocks, manipulation, shaving of the bone, and anchors. The surgery was about an hour and a half long. There will be no bouncing back this time. He will sleep upright in a chair for at least two weeks, must wear a sling for four to six weeks, and is using some weird ice pack machine that runs ice water through ANOTHER sling every thirty minutes. So, between my husband, my dad, and the baby goats, my day was pretty darn busy.

Upside. Because I am ever the optimist. LOL

I took two days off of work. Managed to take a walk while husband was in surgery. Got in a little stitching on my ornament. Did a little sewing on a quilt. And if I play my cards right, I might get Dad's taxes ready to go in today. Here's the update on my ornament:

I did not think that I could be as tired as I was last night. Did my final check on Dad at 9:30 pm, said good night and headed to bed. Husband calling for help at midnight, back up at 4 am to start again with Dad. I started my morning with one extra large cup of coffee and two Excedrine Migranes. Yep. It's gonna be a long day. I have our regular daycare in for Dad at 10:30, so I will be able to make it to town for ice and medicine. I don't think I've checked the mail in a couple of days, either. Hmmmm...maybe I should swing by the post office! LOL

I am off to check on husband and goats. I need to clean out their pen and get some fresh hay from the stack. Have an amazing day and be kind to one another.

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Would You Like A Glass With That Whine?

First of all, the title is spell correctly. LOL

This is a "I am so tired" post. So...if you plan on staying, please put on your big girl panties (or big boy boxers) and pull up a chair.

You will notice that it is just after five am on a Sunday. Yep, once again, I am exhausted all day, but once I'm up to do my early Dad chores, I can't go back to sleep. I am afraid to count the weekend sunrises I've seen the past year.

I am now on the weekly visit list for our Hospice social worker. She is an amazing person, who truly cares about the well-being of Hospice patients and their families. I have a lot of respect for her opinion. She is afraid that I am ready to implode. We discussed medication (for me) and some relaxation techniques (again, for me). I usually have my annual doctor's appointment in June. She is suggesting that I see my doctor WAY before that. Honestly, I don't have time for a breakdown. LOL I have always been an organized, focused person, but now, find myself writing notes to remind me to clean the coffee pot and pay my bills! I used to joke at work that I was the post-it-note queen. It is not a joke anymore. I do my Dad chores, then start on household stuff. I finish one task and then come to a screeching halt. I just can't seem to keep going. And if I sit down, that's it. It takes too much effort to get moving again. That's where my list comes into play. I'm hoping that if I see it written, I have a better chance to get it done. It's almost like I resent the world poking it's nose into my life. I don't want to sew, to stitch, to exercise, to visit with friends. I just want to be left alone. So, I haven't my "circle of crap" getting bigger...or smaller? It's not that my dad chores don't get done, just the rest of my life chores.

One of the things that Gloria (our social worker) has asked is that I plan for some personal time. Walk to the end of the road, enjoy the sunshine. Okay, so I did get outside to feed the goats the past few days. LOL I am trying to take a chore and turn it into an adventure. I've mentioned George, my dog. He is a 95 pound rottweiler that thinks he is a lap dog. He loves, loves, loves (did I say loves?) small children. He will follow them around, taking every chance he can to give them a lick. He has the same attraction to goats. I need to say that we DO NOT allow him outside in the yard when the baby goats are out of their pen. I trust George, but the goats are so small, he could hurt them by trying to love on them. The goats were supposed to go home yesterday, but are still here. Not sure why.

Here is my husband with dinner for the babies.

A little closer. See that interested face right behind him?

Now, dinner is done. Just how close can George get?

I am taking Gloria's advice and hoping for a beach day tomorrow. It is a state holiday and we have daycare for Dad. We didn't do anything special for Valentine's Day, so am thinking that a nice lunch tomorrow is due. I am still waiting for the sunrise. LOL Be kind to one another.

Friday, February 13, 2015

The Way Things Are...

Quick catch up. Things are what they are. Dad is the same, no real change. We tried his painkiller for the first time. Didn't seem to really make a change. All I can say is, we will continue to do what we can do.

On the crafting side, I finally got in some stitches on my ornament. Sat back, enjoying my sense of accomplishment. Well, look at that, I put the leaf in the wrong place! LOL I counted correctly, but counted off the wrong candy cane stripe. So, I'll be taking it all out. One stitch forward, ten stitches back.

I have wanted a Singer Featherweight Machine for EVER! Or at least five years. Took a chance and bid on a machine on Ebay. No win. Another bid, another no win. Third time was the charm! I am now the proud owner of a 1954 model. I paid less than $250, with shipping, so feel pretty good about my purchase. I had to laugh when I first looked at it. It is six years older than me and in better shape. LOL I know that I took a chance, but the seller was very honest and I got a good deal. Here is my new baby...

Speaking of babies, my husband volunteered to "baby goat" sit for three days. Sure they're cute, but I don't think he realized the level of participation that would be required. LOL And the second day, oh, he had a doctor's appointment. Would I please feed the goats? Well, sure, it's not like I'm doing anything. Just making dinner, feeding dad, doing laundry, cleaning bathrooms. I refuse to let the little ones go hungry due to his poor planning, so it was out to the "goat holding area" for feeding.

They are very, very cute...And, it was nice to relax for thirty minutes outside, watching them jump and run. I think I needed the down time.

Off to work, peeps. Be kind to one another.

Saturday, February 7, 2015

A Visit From The Doctor

We got some good news and maybe not-so-good news.

Disclaimer: The following includes lots of "Too Much Information".

The good news first...Dad's thumb is not infected or broken. The wound is healing much better than expected. Our Hospice nurse will be coming twice a week for a bit to keep an eye on it and change the dressing. It is not broken, but is being pulled backwards by the Parkinson's. It seems that the final stages of Parkinson's shortens the tendons, so...his arm tendons are pulling on his thumb. It only hurts when we move his arm... during baths and when we change him, so we can control his pain with painkillers only as needed, not twenty-four hours a day. I can't watch my dad in pain. It makes me feel like I failed him. This disease is so disrespectful to my dad. I can't really say it any different than that. It is just wrong. My dad was a good father, took care of us, kept us safe. This disease has no right to turn him into a ball of barely existing flesh, with no laughter, no light.

Now for the maybe not-so-good news. Dad has prostrate cancer and has for about 10 years. He chose no intervention. His doctor told him that he would likely die of something else first. Our Hospice doctor thinks that now that Dad is bedridden, he will have more problems with his prostrate and urination. If we have the same problem we had last Tuesday, they will put in a catheter. The doctor and nurse both say that not being able to urinate is one of the most painful conditions you can have and no painkiller will touch it. I have to say I agree. I had to have a sonogram when I was pregnant with my son. It has to be done with a full bladder. The office was running a bit late. I had to wait an extra TWO hours. I had never hurt so bad before in my life. I cannot imagine my dad in that kind of pain for five or six hours. So for now, we wait and watch.

Other news, the rain moved in last night. We are a little under a half of an inch. We could get up to three inches. The sky doesn't look quite that dark, but it's still early.

So yesterday morning, I was up early. (As if I ever get to sleep in!) This is how the morning greeted me...

The pictures were taken at exactly the same time, just a few inches difference in pointing the cell phone.

Please hold your loved ones tight. Tell them how much they mean to you. Be kind to one another.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Am I Ready?

It has been a really long week and it's only Thursday. The weekend was tough and it never got better.

Monday. Monday was Monday. Need I say more?

Tuesday. Got home from work, took one look at our caretaker's face and knew that something was wrong. Dad had been agitated and very non-responsive most of the day. This may be TMI, but he had not urinated in four hours. Not good. Went in to try and get him to talk or at least nod. Nothing. A total blank. No eye contact, nothing. Our social worker arrived. We talk for a few minutes, she went in to see Dad. Came out, her face looked almost worse than the caretaker's. Now I'm really scared. She is the sweetest lady and has been a great help in keeping ME on track. Depression is a real thing for caretakers. We are always "on". Always waiting for the bad part. Life for us goes on hold while we wait for the end of life for our loved ones. We discussed what was going on. It is possible that Dad is at the end. They call it "terminal agitation". It's how the terminally ill show that they know it's the end. Restless, agitated, non-responsive. She will call the nurse and let her know. Am I ready? I should be after twenty months on Hospice. Am I ready? Absolutely not. Crying. Get Dad fed, he finally urinates. Maybe things aren't as bad as I thought.

Wednesday. Come home from work, our Hospice nurse visited today. New plan. It appears that Dad has somehow dislocated his thumb. He has had several strokes and his left side is stiff and atrophied. Now he has put so much pressure on his thumb while making a fist, maybe he has destroyed the cartilage. He thumb is now swollen and he is in pain. Could this be the cause of his agitation? We have a choice of painkillers. Morphine? Not the way I wanted my dad to live out his last days, but neither do I want his body filled with pain. Now we wait for the doctor to come on Friday. We have been very lucky that Dad has not had any pain up to now. More crying.

Thursday. Phone rings at 3 am, someone from work is calling in sick. I can already tell that it's going to be a really long day. Can't fall back to sleep, up at 3:30, start my day. Work is okay, just can't stay focused. Talk to my boss, will be off tomorrow so I will get my information straight from the doctor. More crying.

I am tired and worn out. All I want to do is brush my teeth, scrub my face, and fall into bed. The only bright spot is that I may get to sleep in tomorrow morning since I am staying home. Note that I say "may" get to sleep in...all depends. Meanwhile, I will consider this a bonus day and after the doctor visits, I will try to get ahead on errands and chores. Be kind to one another.

Monday, February 2, 2015

February? What Happened to January?

So, I fell asleep one night in January, woke up, and here it is February. Who was in charge of the calendar? I know that I get caught up in my "circle of crap" but I am seriously missing about two weeks. LOL

Weekend update: Saturday morning was spent being a cowgirl. Only three calves to brand, so only a few hours commitment. I think it took us longer to set up than it did to do the actual branding. Got home, did my dad chores, then got in some punch needle. Yay for me!!

I gave you a little peek at each side. The wing looks pretty good, just hoping that it pops on the beige... I did the pattern with a sharpie. It bled through a bit, but I don't think it will matter. All of the lines will be covered. I hope. LOL

So then not-so-dear DH decided to invite a friend to stay over Saturday night. He does not understand how much work this adds to my day. He and his friend hung out in the barn, worked on cars, did man-things. Meanwhile I took care of Dad, cleaned house, and fixed meals. I try to be thoughtful and caring, but it was just a lot of extra work I didn't need. Up Sunday morning, more Dad chores, more fixing meals, more cleaning house. The guys headed back out to the barn. Yep, exciting weekend! Oh, and I got to go to the grocery store! Made the mistake of hitting the store about an hour before Superbowl. Lots of people buying lots of alcohol. I picked up a bag of chips and two avocados for guacamole. That was my contribution to our Superbowl NON-PARTY. Livin' it up in the big world. Still have to strip down the bed and change sheets...should be doing that right now. LOL

Okay, peeps, off to finish off my night. If I hurry, and don't sit down on the couch, I might get to stitch! LOL Be kind to one another.